I went through the years "milestoning" each age as if something magical would happen and change everything. Ever since I started writing, I wanted to create something to sum up my whole year in some way. At 18, I wrote that I wouldn't act my age, but I was still far from the truth. At 19, I wrote about meeting someone to make me feel complete, but I ended up learning I needed to know myself better instead.

Past these experiences, at 20, I wrote about the in-between. I wrote about how it's hard to practice the "I won't act my age" maxim when there's a lot of pressure from society that you internalize, and that the feeling of completeness doesn't come from other people except yourself (which is another maxim in itself). And as much as the overthinker in me would like to say this is my ultimate perspective on life, I'm in love with the fact that I'm probably wrong.

It came out all at once, September 6th.

Checkboxes

I was painted in naivety against my will
And since I was born
I thought of things as they weren’t
I believed in what isn’t real
And questioned if I’m watched from above
As far back as I can remember, at least twice a day
I stress over what I don’t know

‘Cause if I ever decide to let anyone in
They’ll expect me to be someone that I still can’t
And if you think like everyone else
For you, my experience checkboxes
Don’t meet the preconditions to reach twenty
But hey, I should respect my rhythm
Or my lack of it thereof
If I find someone who thinks the same as me
They’ll respect that I can’t be as they thought
In my bones, I still hope, I’m enough

I painted myself in honesty when I couldn’t sit still
‘Cause since I was born
I had a lot stuck that I needed to let out
Now I’m considering a new life ahead
Still daydreaming a lot, still swearing in thoughts
I always stress over what I don’t know
And I don’t know how long I won’t
But until I do

If you expect anything from me
I’m sorry, I still can’t
If you think like everyone else
For you, my experience checkboxes
Don’t meet the preconditions to reach twenty
But hey, I should respect my rhythm
Or my lack of it thereof
If I find someone who thinks the same as me
They’ll respect that I can’t be as they thought
In my bones, I still hope, I’m enough

And I could scream from the rooftops
"I won’t act my age!"
But that would never be enough
I could fight my desires and pretend I don’t care
But I’ve been there, it’s too rough
I could try to forget him and move on unaffected
But I’m not so tough
In my bones, I still hope, I’m enough

‘Cause if I ever decide to let anyone in
They’ll expect me to be someone that I still can’t
And if you think like everyone else
For you, my experience checkboxes
Don’t meet the preconditions to reach twenty
But hey, I should respect my rhythm
Or my lack of it thereof
If I find someone who thinks the same as me
They’ll respect that I can’t be as they thought
In my bones, I still hope, I’m enough